Thinking about work lately
I had a spell where I didn’t know WHAT TO DO.
Thinking back …
It was driving me nuts.
Gripped my heart, clogged my mind.
Looking round for work, I didn’t get any jobs.
Failed interviews. Failed projects.
It was disheartening.
But no. Tried carrying on with other things though,
Equally frustrating but for other reasons.
And my focus was deteriorating, spiralling
down. Anxieties during the day: WHAT was I going to do. Look at the time lost.
Scared of the question: What do you do?
Losing motivation and then frantically creating things out of frustration,
To prove a bloody point.
I couldn’t make a decision about anything. Nothing.
Need to keep trying to get money. Do things for money.
I knew that I was lost and I had built a labyrinth in my mind, charging round like the minotaur, lost in the labyrinth he built. I needed a break and I was fortunate that I found one, abroad. That gave me the space, distance and time to think and reflect.
I watched how other people had a good idea about what they wanted to do. I wanted to know how they came to those decisions and conclusions. How were they able to decide these things? I watched how someone younger than me made decisive and confident decisions. I thought: but he can deal with those choices. And then it occurred to me that all I can do is make decisions based on my gut feeling and then react to the consequences. That’s all I can or need to do Making decisions is in our nature. My gut feeling will know how I react to any consequences.
Then, I wanted to get to the essence of what I was good at and what I was passionate about. I thought about the situations in my life that I was attracted to and the dynamics that I thrived in. I found that common theme, that melody that has been singing throughout my life. I realised that it is unlikely that I will find it pre-made and pre-packaged. Ultimately, I must create it. – Create my path. That is when I found my direction again.
I thought about some advice from my mother: Watch the language you use. Watch what you tell yourself, in your mind. What story are you telling yourself?
Notice, for example, the difference in language between the first and second parts of this piece.