A bag of chips now costs 12 pickled onions – or a cockle and six-skin.
Three cockles are a Horse-shoe Shilling and a Farthing which will get you a return journey to Westward-Ho on the Great Trans-Shire Broadguage Steam Train which has only one carriage and a quiet coach towards the front of the carriage.
The Imperial measuring system is brought back for everything.
One metre is converted to 0.125 HSJ (Hop Skippidy Jumps). As a result, 50 m pools are renamed to 6-n-one-quarter Watery Splish Splash Tubs and entry costs two pickled onions. To use the lockers, a signed letter from either a banker or local GP must be sent in advance to the Local Bathing Manager together with your receipt for a high-visibility vest and a stamped and self-addressed envelope.
In pubs, gluggin-ale and kak-bitter are now served exclusively in two measures: Jolly Roger Shoe-shaped Pewter Mugs which equate to 1/2 an imperial pint plus 1 schooner (or 473ml in old system).
Otherwise, Half-Doddle Wobbly Swash Tumblers are 13.2 Imperial fluid ounces or one-n-one-third schooners or 4/5 of a Jolly Roger Shoe. Half-Doddles are taxed at a lower rate and are thus one pickle-skin cheaper in relative terms.
As well as British Standard Time, times for all other seasons are updated to reflect British needs.
Spring and Autumn (now called Scattered-showery-rainy-season and Rainy-season-scattered-drizzly season) have times that are twenty-five minutes less or more than Greenwich Meantime respectively unless the moon is waxing gibbous in which case the country reverts to British Waxing Gibbous Time (GMT less 10 minutes). British Winter Time i.e. Gum-shiver-me-knacker-sack Time is GMT less 1.
British So-Sorry-Weather-Permitting-Allowance Time is applicable throughout the year except in April. BSSWPAT or So-Sorry Time is a fifteen minute addition to allow for potential weather changes and any unexpected inconveniences caused so that apologies need not be given (although general etiquette suggests that a five minute apology should be given anyway). As such, any queues that form during BSSWPAT time should allow new queuers who arrive late (up to and including the fifteenth minute) to proceed directly to the front of the queue.
During the month of April the country switches over to Double Whammy British Drizzle Time which GMT + 50 minutes or British Standard Drizzle Time + 10 minutes on Waxing Gibbous days.
To account for the new changes in time and to simplify matters, the clockface on Big Ben in Westminster is now a large computerised screen which shows an icon of a welly for every five minute increment. The bell has also been replaced and updated with the latest British technology. Upon the hour, the sound of a welly stamping on a wet newspaper in a puddle is broadcast live into every living room and is known as a ‘plonk’. This is the Prime Minister’s main responsibility throughout the day since there is no economy.
To summerise, 6:25 am GMT tomorrow is 7 o’Plonk-n-eight-welly (accounting for both Undrizzly Time and British So Sorry Time). This is coincidentally the time when the latest batch of pickles and teabags are distributed in Half-doddle rations around the country via Electric Milk Floats which blast out the national anthem (i.e. the latter half of Bohemian Rhapsody starting with the line “Bismillah.”)
Those who collect enough pickled onions can use them as a deposit for a property.