Gaining alpha / fear of alpha / gaining self

I had a dream the other day that reminded me of a film and an old story. I dreamt that I was in the gym with some very alpha dudes from my school days.

I remember that, when I was at school, it was important for me to get that acknowledgement from them and it was the first time I had experienced a difference in status. In my dream I could still feel that urge for acknowledgement. How important it suddenly was to get respect from these guys.

In my dream, I made my way to the benchpress and lay down to start pressing weights. I knew that I could now bench more than them – I was stronger than they are now. But I was suddenly I felt reluctant prove my strength and I was scared of being stronger than they. What would they do if they noticed? I wondered if I ought to pretend to be slightly weaker – would it be better to maintain my deference so as not to upset the status quo. Would a gain in strength be tested. Would it be a threat? Would they want to knock me back down, back into my place?

It was a strange feeling, and I pondered about it when I awoke and wrote it down.

It reminded me of the relationship between the main character in the film ‘Fight Club’ and the counterpart that he looks up to, Tyler Durden. (It also reminded me of ‘To Live and Die in LA’ as well.) In ‘Fight Club’ the ‘lesser’ man is in awe of the stronger character, Tyler. he wants to be like Tyler, but he is no match for him. In the end, the main character must ‘kill’ the more powerful man and assume his place – in order to inherent that ‘alpha’ status, to be the dominant male. It’s probably a very old story told in many different ways. It’s the way of nature for a lot of animals.

In fact, the alpha character in these stories was a simply an alter-ego – a shadow personality that became dominant and, along the way, led the protagonist – the true self – astray. This story is a battle for the true inner self to prevail.

I have felt that my true self, through discipline and working through my own struggles has been able to prevail. I have felt that this sincerely recently.

And those alpha dudes in my dream weren’t the guys from school, it was my alter ego but reflected via them.

I realised that I was scared of being in control, of being the dominant man – or even the alpha dude – within my own self, but now I know that I am. I proved it. I even got tested and I prevailed.

This is what the dream represented to me. I was very glad to have had this inner confirmation.